Starting Anew..

Wednesday
26th October, 2011
13:20 @ the Headquarters.

My Mind is heavily weighted by some invisible loads right now.. My Soul transcended back into the plane of my physique in a start at the exact call of "Assolatu khairum minnan na'uum" minutes after 04:00 of a New Day. This beginning, of my pouring my Thoughts, Heart and Mind out into this Canvas of virtual expression, feels so very much forgotten and untouched for ages already... My apology for the absolute disappearance of my previous entries.. Them all gone upon the request of my previous "Other Half" - an act of undoubted Love, do not make any inquiries on more whys and reasonings from my side, please.. For the Heart is still tenderly aching that it does still bleed on its own sometimes..

My fingers feel so rusty with its graceful dance moves from its glorious, olden days back then on this keyboard of mine.. My Mind all the more like being a badly clouded screen with twisted and ugly specks of violent colours of trauma and pain, which inadvertently, would eventually evaporate into a mist of explosive dusts of inferno, just to give way to another colour of greatest mirage; the undecipherable colour of grey.. all of it in its acknowledged shades of different variations.. Where, at the time being, I fail to find my Door for egress just yet.. The Key of Freedom is in my Hands.. But the Door, that damn Door in exiting his Heart & Mind.. Somewhere at the back of my Conscience and in the deepest abyss of my Heart, there is this intuitive feeling that I am feeling.. Or more like haunted with, that He has not buried me off just yet.. Thus why this feeling of losing my direction when all the memories are well burnt up again and again with the fiercest blasts of inferno that I could force myself to do inside.. Damn Him for discarding me off without any sense of guilt or responsibility for making me the way I am now.. Lust over Loyalty.. *sighs*..

Which I would never be able to understand.. This one big chunk of enigma about Love & Lust.. For now, let Him be my First & my Last.. All of those perfect dreams achieved, envisioned and built together.. Meant nothing at all to Him.. And there I thought that to Him I would eternally be married to.. *recalling this one promise that I had made to myself that by the time I reached my 30th mark of existence, I should be married already*.. He was all that I ever wanted as there would not be another after my mark of Adulthood.. Unfaithfulness, Desperation, Lust, Disloyalty, Dishonesty, Lies, Pretenses.. All of them all committed in a close interim. Of course, with Lies as the kick-starting of this ugly Crime.. "One lie, she wouldn't know.. Second lie, she wouldn't know still.. Third lie, she wouldn't know because she trusts me so much..." and so it gradually built on and on into this one huge pile of shits that started to stink of mischief and cadaverous guilt and foolishness.. And damn, I was all too naively blind to see all of these.. I had felt it intuitively but damn, I kept on telling myself to shrug it off.. All in the name of genuine Love & total Trust.. And by today, I had better try not to meddle with this matter called Love because it never got any better for me but it gets worse and worst with every experience & encounter.. True Love does not exist no more..

But perhaps Dreams are meant to be shattered too.. As much as Promises are meant to be broken by Him and the whole lot of them.. And Words are meant to be lied to.. And Honesty to be marred without guilt.. Dignity bathed with Shamelessness..

C'est la vie.. This is how the path of my Love Life has been going on.. It is time to give it a rest..

A Une Autre Fois,
A.J. Charisma
Revived Back to A New Life.

*Note: 26th October, 2009 - the Date I broke off with the last of my so-called "single" ex-BF, just a Week before I reached my 30th mark of existence.. And this so-called new Love had approached me 2 Weeks right after my 30th mark, thus making me into believing that this so-called new Love will be my First & my Last.. But only to find out of his unfaithfulness, dishonesty, lying and cheating on me by the midnight of 1st October, 2011.